C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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