I could have mohawked her pubes.
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
