Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
