On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
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