He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Randomize
