Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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