he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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