it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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