So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Let's get the cat blown out
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
