he wants to bone in the snuggie
If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
