Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
It's seriously like a finger. But it's a cock. I don't know what to do. I feel like I fuck him to be polite.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
