I was born with a shot glass in my hand
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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