I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
May I make reservations with your penis for this evening?
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Randomize
