It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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