oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Please don't give away my fajitas
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
