Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
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