He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
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