Loo but I'm already drunk TINIGHT! CAPS ATTACK
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
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