If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
