I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
Randomize
