he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
Randomize
