I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
