is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
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