I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
i've created a new STD.
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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