I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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