Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job
You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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