i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Drunk is a universal language darling
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
