I walked up to her and said hello and wanted to ask her if she had fun last night... she asked me if we had met before.
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
