His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
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