Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Randomize
