You're a womanizer and a bitch.
tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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