He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
