I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
It looks like you got dick slapped by the sandman..
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
Randomize
