Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize