My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
Randomize
