I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Randomize
