so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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