I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
So I totally had sex In a teepee last night at that wedding reception.
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize
