have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
