Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I think my ph in my vagina is actually off from the lack of sex I've had this break compared to finals week.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
