he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Nope. I'm an adult now. I can successfully avoid to vomit in defiance of the porcelain god\n
Randomize
