If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
soo... how was my night?
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
