u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
Randomize
