Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
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