She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Also, even though this really sucks now, we will look back on this one day and laugh at the time we all got arrested on Thanksgiving
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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