It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Randomize
