im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
think of it as grooming, as if he is my Kate Middleton and I'm grooming him to be a presentable princess
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize