I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
If I die, sorry about rent.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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