Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
my being single is dangerous.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
