I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
Randomize
