Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
My apartment is also really close to an alcohol rehab in case I get out of hand
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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