I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
If I puke off the kayak tomorrow think nothing of it.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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