final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
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