the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Randomize
