I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.
my phone cant type all the emotion im having
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
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