It's like God shit irony all over that family
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Randomize
