I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
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