i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
