I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
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