i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
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