She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
i just sat down and hooked up with this girl. after she left i called over another girl and did the same. this happened about four more times and i never left my chair
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I was informed that last night we held hands while puking on the curb outside the bar.
We just have a real special relationship.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
