Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I just smoked weed out of a tomahawk, then chased an armadillo with said tomahawk, I love my life.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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