last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
there are seriously like six guinea pigs in my bathtub right now
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
Randomize
