New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
