Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
